Fangs, Furballs, and ManEating Snuggies Oh My!
by Raven Jadewolfe
Summary: Meet Bella, a quirky, offbeat twenty something with a mediocre life. Come read how Bella's life is turned upside down by vampires, werewolves, and yes, even a man-eating snuggie Canon/noncanon pairs Colab with Mystical Rabbit ON HIATUS
1. It's Life Bella, But Not As We Know It

**Greetings and Salutations to those out in Fan-Fictionland!**

**I know none of you expected to being seeing another story from me so soon, but what can I say? Writing this shit is addicting! Fortunately for me, I've managed to drag someone new along for the ride this trip. The someone new happens to be my darling husband, known on FF as Mystical Rabbit. ****Yes, I'm popping his author cherry, woo-hoo! Bow-chicka-wow-wow!**

**Oh, and we don't own!**

**Chapter One-It's Life Bella, But Not As We Know It**

**Bella POV**

_ It was a dark and stormy night..._

Wait, why do stories always fucking start with that? I mean, come on, I know that the area I live in has over two hundred overcast days per year, but there's got to be some sunshine in there every once in a while or else nothing would grow right? Okay, maybe except for the occasional mushroom or some shit...Stupid fucking fan fiction story, how many cliches can fit in one-

Shit, where was I?

All previous thoughts in my head are ejected as I look up from my laptop to see a man that I can only describe as 'fuck me now' hot on my internal guy meter aka my clit.

Ginger hair, not bad, just means he's passionate about the things he does. Kind of tall, with a runner's build, hopefully that means he has endurance. A little on the pale side, but it's not like I have room to talk, I'm damn near white as a ghost all year round. Moving on now. Dark blue dress shirt, rebelliously unbuttoned and draped over a fitted white tee. Nice. Loose fit blue jeans that look a tad bit snug in a few places. Damn, I think the boy is packing! Either that or he stuffs and I refuse to let that thought derail my fantasy right now.

Then the bastard turns his head and flashes me a smile that makes my panties wet and my ladybits start to throb. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of aviators, but for some reason, I can feel that his eyes are on me.

In that moment, I'm acutely aware of what I've worn today. Black combat boots, my favorite black and white striped stockings that go all the way up to mid thigh, and the shortest pair of jean shorts that I could find in my feeble attempts to stay cool. On top, my black and white skull bones bra that can occasionally peeks out from under the ratty black sweater of my fathers. Okay, maybe the sweater was a bad idea in this heat, but it was all I could find when I got up.

Crap. No wonder he's staring. He's probably trying not to laugh at the plumper-I'm a size 12/14 and society calls that fat, so if the shoe fits-with the crazy clothes, gauged ears, nose ring, and cinnamon colored hair that is filled with purple, blue, and green streaks, I can understand why he would be amused. Now I want to just turn around and ignore him, but I can't seem to make my body obey.

My eyes find his face again and this time, he lowers the sunglasses enough to reveal his eyes, then gives me a mischievous wink. I'm on my feet before I can stop myself and start taking a step in his direction.

_ Bong!_

Mister Sex On Legs, evidently too busy watching me watching him to see where he is walking, suddenly crashes right into the four foot high sign that bears the map of the school campus. Unable to stop myself, I'm immediately doubled over in laughter.

My bad luck strikes again though, because when I finally stop the guffaws, which have mellowed into the occasional snort, he is gone. Poof. Vanished.

Dammit.

"Great, scared another one off B," I growl under my breath while turning back to the picnic table to gather my things. No use dwelling on it, I've got to get to work anyways. Charlie will be pissed if I'm late again this week.

Once my laptop is stowed away in my bag, I shove my glasses back up my nose and hoof it back to the parking lot where my Firebird is sitting. I unlock my baby then toss my bag in the back as I drop into the driver's seat. Another smirk takes over my lips when the engine roars to life and causes a few students nearby to nearly jump out of their skin.

"God, I love terrorizing the masses," I snicker, throwing the vehicle in gear and speeding out of the lot. I might not be a student here, but I have to deal with their ignorant asses enough at work to justify my actions.

A few miles down the road, I turn into a semi alley and park behind a building with all too familiar white paint that is peeling in a few places. After retrieving my bag, I lock the car up and shuffle around to the back entrance of the structure, pausing to crush my cigarette out before stepping inside.

"Bella, glad to see you're on time for once," a man with weathered skin, bright brown eyes and a mustache that rivals a porn stars harrumphs upon spotting me.

"Charlie, it was the first time I've ever been late since I got this fucking job," I fire back with an evil smile," Besides, I wouldn't have been late if your wife hadn't have wanted to go another round."

"Then you'd better hand over the videotape or your ass is fired," he scowls, doing his best to look imposing. To any one else, that bad cop stance would have someone shaking in their shoes, but it just makes me laugh.

"Fuck you Charlie, I'm selling that bitch on the internet so I can make my millions and retire to my private island full of perpetually naked sex slaves. If you're good, I might let you come along and be one of them."

He tosses my apron to me and gestures towards the bar that takes up nearly a third of the room, "Get your ass behind the bar woman and get to work before I suddenly forget that you don't want me to give Newton your phone number."

I give him the middle finger and make a point to ignore the nasty face an old guy sitting a few feet away gives me. Instead, I snatch his glass and refill it with some putrid beer that, by the looks of it, he's been drinking since this morning.

Being that it's a Friday and Labor day weekend, the bar fills up fast with idiots ready to get their puke on. I forget all about the copper topped sign crasher as my mind is overwhelmed by slurred orders, roaming hands, and reminders of why I'm so fucking glad that I never went to college.

I end up missing my break and my lunch, so when Sue tells me to head on out at half past twelve, I grab my bag, soda, and cigarettes, then bolt out of the place with barely a thank you thrown over my shoulder as I go.

I'm too busy lighting a smoke when I come out, at first, to notice the tall blonde guy and his tiny dark haired girlfriend who are standing next to my Trans Am, studying it. But that situation is quickly rectified when I glance up in time to see the blonde running a hand over the pale white hood of my pride and joy.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing with my car?" I snap, ready to fuck someone up if they screwed up the paint job.

"Sorry sugar, I was just admirin' a damn fine piece of machinery," the man turns and takes his time looking me up and down before continuing, "But now that you're here, a 1970 ½ Pontiac Trans Am pales in comparison. I'm Jasper, this is my girl Alice."

"Bella, pleased to meet you," neither of them make a move to shake hands, so I nod my head towards the car, "My daddy and I rebuilt her from the ground up after we found her wasting away in a junkyard. It took years to do it, since dad insisted on using first generation parts only, but we finally finished her back in 2005."

The woman he called Alice wrinkles her nose, "What's the big deal between a first generation and a second generation car part? Aren't they technically both still 1970 Trans Ams?"

"Pride," I reply, dismissing her quip, "The black interior was taken from another T/A because the red interior it had got ruined from exposure. She's won a few awards at some of these little car shows that go on around here, but nothing big."

"You don't look too happy about that," Jasper chimes in, his tone concerned.

I shake the thoughts of my dad away and shrug a shoulder, "My dad passed away before he had much of a chance to show her off, so I do it for him. It just bugs me sometimes that I don't have the money or the time to invest in the big shows, he would have loved that."

"I bet he would've," Alice gives me a sympathetic smile, "It sounds like you're quite the gear head even now that he's gone."

I take a drag from my cigarette and shake my head no, "Not really. My dad taught me how to work on her, but I've never touched another car. In all honesty, I couldn't tell you the names of half the parts I helped put under the hood, I just knew how to tighten the bolts."

"Now don't sell yourself short," Jasper gently chides then straightens, his voice growing stern over my darkened expression, "Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't you follow me and Ali back to our place? We could play a little pool, listen to some music, I bet that would make you feel better."

The sounds of a couple of inebriated assholes coming our way makes my mind up. "Okay, I'll follow you, but I can't stay or anything, seeing as we just met and all."

Alice's face lights up like a kid on Christmas, "Brilliant! We're going to have so much fun, I can see it!"

Surprisingly enough, their car is parked only a few spaces away, so I get situated in my baby while I wait, all the while wondering what in the hell I've just gotten myself into.


	2. The Gentleman Who Fell

**Sorry it's taken a bit to get this next chapter out. But I (Raven) have been working on my first story outside of the Twilight world, it's a Dragon Age fic in case I haven't mentioned it yet, and it keeps demanding my attention. If you're so inclined, go give it a look :-)**

**We still own nothing but the plot, that includes the chapter title, it belongs to Milla.**

**Chapter Two-The Gentleman Who Fell**

**Edward POV**

_Damn, I look good today_ the narcissistic thought weaves it's way through my head as I appraise my reflection in the floor length mirror _Now all I have to do is get her to notice me._

Remnants of Alice's most recent visions float to the forefront of my mind. _A flash of a bright smile...ivory skin turned golden in the light as I caress her pale cheek...cherry blossom scented mahogany tresses that shimmer with the raindrops captured in them..._

"Stop preening already Edward, it's time for school!" my younger twin lilts in a sing song tone as she and her mate race passed my cottage. I rush to close my brain off from the memories of how they spent their night.

_You're just jealous that they have something you don't. A mate._

Yet. I don't have my mate yet.

_And? That doesn't change anything at the present, now does it?_

Shut up!

I sigh and use the remote to shut off the stereo before retrieving my keys and back pack, then head out into the early morning gloom.

As I climb into my car, I can't shake the annoyance and anxiety cocktail that has been my constant companion since suddenly being uprooted by the family and forced to migrate to the dreary northern peninsula of West Virginia. I was nearly finished with my degree, only a semester to go, when a family vote disrupted my schedule.

It wasn't until we completed the pilgrimage that Alice started showing me visions of me with this young woman, holding her, kissing her, as we danced on the candle lit patio behind my home. I'd never felt the stabbing ache of loneliness so keenly as when my sister informed me that the whole reason that we'd moved here to attend school is because it was in this sleepy little that I would finally find my mate.

Gravel roads evolve into uneven blacktop as I follow the vehicles belonging to my family. A few miles tick by and two of them veer off onto another road, their destination being West Liberty University, while I continue behind Jasper's truck towards Bethany.

My mood has brightened considerably by the time I pull into an empty parking space. It helps that a number of my favorite songs came up on my iPod on the way. I wave to Alice and Jasper as I start towards my first class, suddenly jubilant, because the first thing I noticed when I exited my car was that the foliage around me is nearly exact to what I saw in Alice's vision on the day I meet _Her._

I spend the morning distracted, probing into the minds of the humans around me, hoping to catch a glimpse of my mate. I'm only a little concerned that the only vampiric scents I come upon belong to various family members, but that could be attributed to a number of things.

By the afternoon thought, my spirits begin to dwindle. On my way across the grounds, Alice texts me with a warning that one of the students is going to notice that my eyes are now a different color than this morning and to put my sunglasses on. They're in the front pocket of my bag. I comply with her decree and, as I continue on my way, wonder if wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day such as this would garner the same amount of attention.

Out of nowhere, the scent of cherry blossoms assaults my senses. My lips curl into a delighted grin as I take another whiff of the ambrosial aroma and turn to find its long awaited owner. My gaze slides over a dozen girls, discarding them a nanosecond after spotting their all too human condition.

Then I notice a pair of twin emeralds pointed in my direction through black rimmed glasses. Her auburn hair, haphazardly pinned into a bun with a pen, is shot with blue, green, and violet. Her clothes, reminiscent of what society would deem alternative, adorns a full figured physique that, I admit, is a welcome change from the half starved appearance of today's female icons.

Oh shit.

That scent.

The scent I've spent months looking for.

It's coming from this human girl.

And she is still watching me.

I can't let her start thinking that I'm gawking at her, whether it's true or not, so I employ a tactic that I've observed many human males use on objects of their desire. I reach a hand up, slide my aviators down my nose a little, and wink at her. I swallow back a victorious growl when her cheeks flush a dusky rose hue and she stands. Anticipation courses through me when she takes a single step in my-

I suddenly collide with a sign and throw myself back as to not damage it. Unfortunately the knee jerk reaction causes me to tumble to the ground like an idiot. Laughter that is reminiscent of bells rings through the quad. When I search for the source of the sound, a pang of hurt jabs my psyche. It's _her. _The child who smells like my future mate is laughing.

At me.

So although I know that this human cannot possibly be my mate, her aroma is too similar to the one meant for me, and therefore the dissatisfied mate in me reacts in the only way a mocked lover would.

It runs away.

Pausing only long enough to leave my bag and keys in the car, I run at a human pace until I enter the relative safety of the forest. I quicken to my natural pace then and begin seeking out the woodland inhabitants in an effort to wash away the bitter taste of rejection from my soul.

Hours later, after gluttonously feeding to the point of discomfort, I'm running home when a frightening thought rears its ugly head. The human girl who smells so much like my mate, I hadn't heard a single thought from her while we were leering at one another. Nothing. Zip. Nada. It was like she didn't exist.

The revelation is more than a little disconcerting, so I correct my path and make my way to Alice and Jasper's villa that sits less than a half mile away from my own abode. Maybe my twin or her husband could shed a little light on the matter.

A song littered with explicatives booms out of the structure as I approach, drowning out the thoughts of the inhabitants. Knowing that Alice saw me make the decision to visit, I forgo knocking when I enter the house.

Worst idea of my existence.

In front of me is a very not clothed Alice, who is cackling madly while rolling on the floor with a similarly dressed plump human female. Sitting on the sofa like a smug puppet master is Jasper, his eyes blackened with lust. My confusion must register on his radar, because he tears his gaze away from the decadent scene playing out at his feet and stares at me.

_Gorgeous, aren't they?_ His thoughts are dripping with carnal intonation _If my Alice wasn't having so much fun with her, I'd try her out myself. My girl swears that Bella is where sin got its taste from._

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I growl too low for the human to hear while registering that the women are at least wearing underwear, "Your mind is so convoluted that it's hard to hear you."

The blonde vampire raises a glass that has a brownish liquid in it _Mushroom tea. Discovered it during the sixties. It's one of the only substances that fuck our kind up like that. You should try some, it's fun._

"Hah! Victory is mine!" the human cheers, staggering to her feet and doing a funny little dance while waving a bottle of nail polish in my sister's face, "I told you that there was no fucking way you are painting my nails pink, you evil little sprite. I. Don't. Do. Pink."

Her disjointed undulations stir the air and something cuts it's way through the sandalwood and vanilla smoke permeating the room.

_Cherry blossoms._

Please no.

I conjure my gift and try to seek out her thoughts. All I get is a blank spot.

_Silent mind._

Dammit.

I examine the girl again in vain hope that I'm wrong in my assumptions.

_Porcelain skin and waist length waves streaked with unusual colors._

A pit of humiliation opens up at my feet and begins pulling me down.

It's _Her_ again.

"Edward, meet my new friend Bella Brandon," _Your mate if you ever get your head out of your ass_ Alice announces as the girl swivels around to face me, "Bella, meet my annoying and socially inept twin brother, Edward Masen. He's the one I said could fix your electrical problem."

Bella's eyes seem to clear away some of the tea induced fog and I see recognition filter into her jade orbs, "Hey! You're the fuckhot sign crasher from earlier! How was your trip? You know, it's not polite to crash and run when someone is drooling over your fine ass."

Before I can formulate an adequate response, she jerks back and covers her mouth, "Oops, I shouldn't have said that. I can't help it though, you look good enough to lick. Repeatedly. Shit! I shouldn't have said that either!"

"Why don't you tell us how you really feel mi niña hermosa," Jasper chortles and takes a long drink from his glass.

"I—erm-" I stammer, inciting another fit of guffaws from the trio.

Thoroughly embarrassed now, I show my hands into my trouser pockets and try to wait out the bout of mirth, but give up after a few minutes when it shows no sign of coming to an end any time soon.

I don't think they even notice when I slip out the door.

**Bella hammered and mostly naked? Eddie embarrassed, scared, and oddly aroused? Alice and Jasper getting freaky with the human? Why yes :-)**

**We must give credit to the amazing dementedevilpixie for her fuckaweome idea of getting vampires hammered on mushroom tea. Read her story I Know and see her take on it.**

**The song Bella and Alice were listening to was 'Fuck more' by Junkie XL**

**mi niña hermosa-spanish for my beautiful girl **


End file.
